In their book The Porn Trap, Wendy and Larry Maltz make the point over and over again: real life (everything from real events to real emotions to your flesh-and-blood lover) is the best antidotes to the unreal world of porn. This theme reaches its pinnacle in one of the final skills they cover, Involving Your Heart in Sex, which is needed because porn-informed sex is all about stimulation rather than heartfelt connection. Try out their suggestions. When you are engaged in sexual activity:
- Take a moment to touch your heart or your partner's heart to activate or stay connected to feelings of caring and love.
- Take time to smile and make loving eye contact with your partner.
- Temporarily shift your awareness from your genital arousal to the attributes you most admire and appreciate about your partner.
- Take time to verbally express your feelings of affection to your partner.
- Touch in loving and affectionate ways that you have learned will be valued and appreciated by your partner.
Following these suggestions, we move away from focusing on body parts, sex acts, and goal of "getting off." We orient toward our partner, what we feel toward them, what we share together, and becoming truly one.
For more encouragement from Wendy and Larry, check out Wendy's blog and all the resources they share on their website, healthysex.com.
Inner Grounding Enables Deeper Connecting
In her book Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot, Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction, Alexandra Katehakis teaches that a genuine and healthy relationship with a lover must be founded on one's relationship with oneself. The "inside of me" work that provides a foundation for "between us" magic can be facilitated by asking these questions:
- Can I look into myself and like who I am? If not, what's missing?
- Can I envision who I am becoming? If not, what's in my way?
- Is intimacy one of my basic human needs?
- Am I aware of my internal feelings when in relationship with another?
- Do I recognize my desire for connection? Can I admit it to myself? Does shame arise when I do admit it? If so, how do I handle it?
- Do I feel empty, waiting to be fulfilled in intimacy?
- Can I list my emotional needs and transform them into goals for fulfillment?
- Can I communicate these needs I've identified to another?
Katehakis sums it up by encouraging us to pay rapt attention to our instincts and listen closely to our intuition. As we do, we solidify our sense of self, our inner core. Only thus can we develop the strength and vulnerability to offer everything that a truly connected and intimate relationship will invite from us.
For more encouragement from Dr. Katehakis, check out The Center for Healthy Sex.
Don't Just Have Sex, Make Love
Don't Just Have Sex, Make Love
In order to be a truly soul-joining experience, we must elevate sex above a level that is porn-informed, body part-focused, and performance-oriented. Laura Brotherson's writing inspires this higher view:
Porn objectifies women (and men) as mere objects of sexual desire. Porn makes viewers forget the fact that sex was designed for the shared enjoyment of two people . . . who have feelings as well as differing needs and expectations.
Porn leads people to believe that men and women are both always (and equally) interested in sex. Imagine the surprise when someone finds that their spouse needs to feel close emotionally before they are ready for sexual expression.
Porn is all about self-gratification not mutual fulfillment. Porn leaves out the interpersonal and emotional elements of lovemaking focusing solely on the physicality of sex. This makes sex feel selfish, or frustrating for those who don’t want to engage in the mental and emotional connection needed in a healthy relationship.
If the blueprint of a “normal” sexual relationship comes from pornography or sexually-explicit movies, one might be surprised to find that one’s spouse has a different idea of what’s acceptable sexually, or that they are not comfortable with certain things. It may not even cross the media-saturated mind that one’s spouse might think any differently about sex than they do.
Porn teaches that men and women are both equally enthusiastic about engaging in any kind of sexual behavior, and that people can make demands without regard for the feelings and preferences of the other. If couples aren’t communicating, then two different sexual blueprints are likely to collide.
Pornography represents a one-track mind on a one-track adventure. Imagine one’s surprise to find that their spouse is not constantly planning the next sexual adventure, or making it a full-time obsession to devise ways to spice up one’s sex life.
Pornography portrays sex as so easy. No relationship issues. No rejection. No foreplay. No hassle. No need to be nice and considerate and loving toward the other throughout the day. Just pure, selfish pleasure and fantasy.
Porn leads people to believe that men and women are both always (and equally) interested in sex. Imagine the surprise when someone finds that their spouse needs to feel close emotionally before they are ready for sexual expression.
Porn is all about self-gratification not mutual fulfillment. Porn leaves out the interpersonal and emotional elements of lovemaking focusing solely on the physicality of sex. This makes sex feel selfish, or frustrating for those who don’t want to engage in the mental and emotional connection needed in a healthy relationship.
If the blueprint of a “normal” sexual relationship comes from pornography or sexually-explicit movies, one might be surprised to find that one’s spouse has a different idea of what’s acceptable sexually, or that they are not comfortable with certain things. It may not even cross the media-saturated mind that one’s spouse might think any differently about sex than they do.
Porn teaches that men and women are both equally enthusiastic about engaging in any kind of sexual behavior, and that people can make demands without regard for the feelings and preferences of the other. If couples aren’t communicating, then two different sexual blueprints are likely to collide.
Pornography represents a one-track mind on a one-track adventure. Imagine one’s surprise to find that their spouse is not constantly planning the next sexual adventure, or making it a full-time obsession to devise ways to spice up one’s sex life.
Pornography portrays sex as so easy. No relationship issues. No rejection. No foreplay. No hassle. No need to be nice and considerate and loving toward the other throughout the day. Just pure, selfish pleasure and fantasy.
For more encouragement from Laura Brotherson, check out her Strengthening Marriage
