Elise:
I was in a long and sordid relationship of 6 years, when just last year I met the love of my life and experienced the most serendipitous certainty I have ever come to know. So much certainty in fact, that I moved across the country to be with him. Perfect math. It just so happened that he had an addiction to porn. Okay, almost perfect math...
His addiction to porn was something I gathered immediately upon our first physical encounter. Something I could sense in his body, but not something that was spoken aloud. It did not stop me from moving out to be with him however, because I viewed it as a minor glitch in his Matrix, if you will.
Later on, I realized that it was going to inhibit the quality of our physical relationship more than I initially assumed. It was very intimidating for me to say the least. Very challenging, because emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, we meshed so perfectly. It caused me quite a bit of confusion, and made me question the context of our relationship altogether.
Initially, when I moved, I moved in with him. But confusion took hold, and I decided it would be wise to get my own place to sort out my feelings (not to mention, I was still in the process the ending of a highly dysfunctional 6 year relationship where oftentimes, sex was the sole means of communication). I actually became confused about who I was supposed to be with at a certain point. Here I was, highly sexually sensitive, while my new love was completely desensitized by porn and habitual masturbation. I was overwhelmed by it all, and considering I was fresh out of a long term, (highly sexual) relationship, our inability to sexually consummate in a deep and fulfilling way only further agitated my feelings of doubt, confusion, and uncertainty about the choices I had made.
Did I make the right decision? Was I too rash in moving out here? Should I have stayed and worked things out with my ex of 6 years? I began communicating with my ex, whom I had left in California, and it was all very heart wrenching.
During all of this confusion, we (my now fiancée and I) continued seeing eachother, and for a time, had a rather ill defined relationship. An unsettling twighlight between friendship and romantic involvement. The discovery of his porn addiction and the impediment this had on a successful physical relationship between us played a monumental role in my emotional enigma.
My ex and I had had a highly sexual relationship, but emotionally, very stormy: You know, young, passionate, dysfunctional, and afraid of each other. Eventually, it became so hurtful, emotionally unhealthy, and detrimental to my well being, that I decided to take time apart after a considerably volatile explosion between us on July 1st of 2009. That's when my (now fiancée) contacted me out of the blue via myspace.
We had actually met 7 years earlier in Hawaii. We both moved there for 6 months at around the same time. Our first encounter was outside a coffee shop, where I would play music and sell handmade jewelry. We became fast friends, and had to leave it at that because I was with someone else at the time. We left an imprint in each others minds nonetheless.
Here he was, contacting me again, 5 days after the most awful and violent explosion I had ever experienced via the actions of a lover. We began to talk. Mostly about music and playing shows. His soul, heart, and mind, felt like home to me. He made my heart feel light and warm. We kept our feelings for each other to ourselves. He wanted to play some shows with me, and booked a ticket to California to visit me.
Three days of hanging out with each other, and neither of us could take it anymore. Feelings came gushing forth, confessions of mutual twitterpation were exchanged, spit was swapped, and that was that. I went back with him to Maine to visit him, got a job, and came back to California to begin moving my life eastward.
Our attempts at physical union were wrought with an unanticipated awkwardness. The extent to which he had desensitized himself via porn, masturbation, and orgasm was something I had never dealt with before.
I introduced him to the concept of Karezza, in which partners keep sharing the plateau stage during lovemaking, instead of focusing on the "goal" of proceeding all the way to orgasm. He decided to quit porn, once and for all, and began his recovery.
Amidst all this, my ex came all the way from California to Maine to try and salvage our relationship. He even proposed to me. This was incredibly emotionally difficult for everyone involved. My (now fiancée) had many issues from the past that involved women he had been with who had "unfinished business" with their ex boyfriends, and it had never ended well for him. They always left, either because they couldn't handle the pressure of deciding between two people, or they decided to go back with the ex. I was aware of all of this from the outset, so you can only imagine the guilt and torment I was experiencing when I realized that I was becoming another addition to this collection of eerily similar situations to which he seemed to continuously gravitate.
Right before my ex decided to up and come to Maine, I felt I had resolved my confusions, and wanted to dedicate myself wholeheartedly to my relationship with Darin. Anyway, the appearance of my ex caused a bit of tumult (ya think?). Although, I am glad for it in the sense that it offered a sense of closure and finality, and definite certainty, to where my heart wanted to be. After that, the ill-defined and mutating context of my relationship with Darin magically transformed back into the most certain thing I have ever felt in my entire life.
I have never been involved with someone with a porn addiction before, so needless to say, this has been very challenging, transformational, and healing for us both.
Through these trials and tribulations, we have developed a powerful and meaningful bond. He asked me to marry him sometime in late June of 2010. I said yes. This was uncharacteristic for both of us, as previously, neither of us believed in marriage.
His recovery has continued to be a touch-and-go process, as things of this nature don't rehabilitate overnight. It takes a lot less time and effort to destabilize ourselves than it does to repair the damage done.
But here we are. I am very proud of him. I am very proud of both of us.
Darin:
Porn addiction is a hard place to get out of, but it is entirely possible. Over the past several months of re-wiring my brain, I have found that porn was just an outlet for fear. Unfortunately, it was also a charging point for that fear!
I was able to give up pretty easily visual stimulation and the urge to masturbate constantly to said stimulation, but only because I am lucky enough to have the unconditional love of an amazing woman.
The healing process has only really been marred by the lingering fear, performance anxiety, fears of rejection, and loss. These emotions are fading into the background now and I am feeling much healthier and happier.
Along the way, the swinging of the pendulum was disconcerting. I am with the absolute love of my life, and feeling (libido wise) better one day and worse the next was a very harrowing experience. I've sobbed like a baby and had days where I was so upset with myself that castration almost seemed a good idea.
Transversely, I've had hour-or-so long love making sessions with my fiance and had energy running through me like I was being charged with the full energy of the stars. This process has been frustrating and amazing.
In some ways, going through these early stages of recovery alone and single might have been better. I felt ashamed for even bringing this into our relationship and that shame was also hindering my recovery. Without my fiancée, I would not have experienced as much residual fear in this process.
At the same time, however, without my Elise I may not have been led to this healing path. I wouldn't have had anyone to cry my little eyes out to, or express my fears and concerns. I wouldn't have had someone there to be supportive of this transformation.
I am incredibly lucky and overjoyed to be with someone while going through this. It has been very hard for her and we have had moments of doubt and fear arise between us. Nonetheless, for all I'm learning about myself, she is also learning about herself. Its no Sunday picnic, but it is all worth it.
My fiancé is the one who alerted me what I was doing to my brain chemistry and circuitry with the porn, and how differently I needed to approach sex in order to build a real relationship. Had she not been "in the know" about these things, the state I was in may have been too much for her to take.
No matter what, with or without someone special in your life, this is a process that can only yield beautiful results. To those who are just beginning the process: you're making the right steps and your recovery into a healthy perspective is just around the bend!
Early on, the process of recovery is like boot camp. It's like a rigorous exercise that we as sex addicts have wanted to do, but we never before had the balls, so to speak.
Elise (3 months later):
Nothing but complete, unadulterated awesomeness has happened to us. We are very busy working, playing shows, making music... and yes, making sweet, sweet love!
Darrin’s healing process has been a miraculous adventure. I really should say "our" healing process, because being with someone who used to be a porn addict is definitely a dual endeavor when it comes to healing. As any woman might suspect, it can potentially activate some blind spots when it comes to insecurity on the female’s part as well as the man's. Facing these fears head on as they come up is key, and I cannot overstate how important this is.
During these times, it is difficult for us both to remain objective, to not take things personally, to not become paranoid/critical/and unknowingly engage in an age old separating mechanism, etc. (You know, the usual.) The difference is being mindful and aware of why we feel the way we do, and also communication. But loving physical contact during said communication is doubly important. If you find yourself in a heated argument, no matter how much you may despise each other in that moment, it is absolutely imperative that each of you shut the @#!*% up and receive 150 ccs of snuggles before you continue the conversation again, in a calm, rational, loving and respectful manner.
For those of you men out there who fear you have killed your penis for good via furious masturbation: Fear not. It really does come back. Oh my, does it ever come back! He swears that I "made his penis bigger or something," and yes, it is a massive and pulsating wonder. As flattering as it is to hear him say it is my doing, it is simply a product of a healthy sexuality and heightened sensitivity.
Speaking of sensitivity, I am going to make a disclosure on his part, because it was kind of a milestone in his recovery. A week or so ago, we were, you know, making out, and um...he came in his pants. It wasn't the cause for disappointment that most men fear it to be. It was actually kind of beautiful in and of itself. What that showed is that it's working. His brain has successfully rebooted and rewired certain circuits, and increased the amount of receptors available to receive the neurochemicals floating around in there. I mean, we knew it was working, and it wasn't like we needed this event to recognize that making love to each other has become exceedingly more and more amazing. But it was definitive, solid evidence that very profound changes have occurred in his brain. Years of damage have been reversed. It was proof. A moment of reckoning. Something clicked, and we both understood: "Holy %&#! It's healed. Something's really happening here."
All of you recovering porn addicts out there should take note of the fact that he has gone through his entire recovery process with me, within a loving relationship. Do not be afraid to enter one, there is no better time than now. Be brave. It's worth every second of awkward vulnerability you will feel. Absolutely beautiful.
(Many thanks to Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, for bringing Darin and Elise to the Life After Porn Project. Elise mentions the crucial role that Karezza has played both in Darin's recovery and their bond-building efforts. To learn more about this seemingly radical but ultimately sensible approach to sex, see www.reuniting.info, a resource created by Marnia and her husband, Gary Wilson.)
Alex & Tonya's Story
Alex:
Even after I hadn’t viewed porn for almost a year, Tonya still seemed distant, disinterested, disconnected. “Oh, no!” I thought, “She’s gotten used to my emotional absence and moved on with her life without me!” I believed that we’d never get back the friendship and closeness we once shared—or anything near it. She used to refer to me as “her miracle” to her friends. I loved her kids, solved her financial problems. Whatever I once was to her, I had become her knight in tarnished armor.”
At rock bottom it seemed that the losses I was going to suffer over porn would devastate me. I’d invited this boulder of sexual addiction into my life, and its splash was now rippling out and affecting everything: my family, my extended family, my business, my health. I knew that if I continued I’d become a pitiful person, a loser. Fortunately, that tide of despair didn’t keep rising. The longer I stayed away from porn, the more it ebbed.
Still, I was overly focused on sex. When my doctor said I had prostate cancer, the thought of dying didn’t even concern me. Instead I obsessed about the possibility that I may have already had my last sexual encounter. What I’ve had so far is all I’m going to get. Given my lack of hope for things improving with Tonya, mentally and emotionally I was almost tempted to go back to acting out with porn. What incentive was there now? But I just couldn't go back to that black hole of addiction at that point. I had come far enough to know that it would be spiritual suicide. Plus, she did want the relationship to work. I couldn't risk losing her because I failed to do my part.
In marriage counseling I started to see that Tonya was not disinterested or uncaring about our relationship at all. It was that her heart was still aching. She had retreated from me to the safety of aloneness, not because she didn’t love me, but because I mattered so much to her that she couldn’t bear to be hurt again by me in the ways that she had been. She had put on a good face for the outside world. She had continued to play the part of a committed wife and involved member of our community and church. But she was suffering a lot of pain.
Deep down she didn’t want me far away from her. Eventually she started asking me to come and spend time with her. Sit and hold her or hold hands with her at the end of the day. Talk about the day together. She wanted to know that I really do want to be with her.
The more we talked about her hurt, the more I could see that when I turned my attention to other women, even imaginary ones by way of pornography or anonymous prostitutes, I was subjecting Tonya to one more experience, in a long line of them throughout her life, where she felt unwanted, uninteresting, easy to ignore… easily resistable. By that time in her life, it had all left her feeling utterly discarded. She said to me, “I had fallen head-over-heels in love with you. I’d never felt adequate in the other most-important relationships with men in my life. Finally, I was in a relationship where I was adequate—you let me know that I was enough for you and more. I thought that for our first ten years together. Then, to discover that I wasn’t, that you had these other attractions. My world crumbled.”
I felt deeply the hurt I caused her, and it hurt me. I became extremely motivated not to ever do anything that would cause her that grief again. Especially in light of the love she’s shown me. Despite the pain and all we’ve been through, she continued to hold this deep and abiding love for me. Amazing. It became a sacred thing to me.
It was about that time or soon thereafter that we started connecting again sexually. It wasn’t as spontaneous as it was in our earlier years; intimacy required more preparation. But I learned that if I set the stage and I was sensitive and thoughtful, I never met with rejection. She wanted, as badly as I did, to have all the connection we had at previous times. She was more careful and a tad bit guarded, but I knew where that came from and I honored its importance. It didn’t make me feel rejected or impatient, the way it had before.
Even when our sexual progress faltered, as it did a couple of times after that, I could just put myself in her shoes. I trusted that her rejection was temporary, because she was in pain. I was content with the connections we were making. When my doctor ordered another PSA test, I felt peaceful. “Even if we’re not be able to have sex in the future, I can be okay with that.” I told Tonya and she was touched by that.
Looking back, I was rising above my obsession with sex and my attempts to control that part of our relationship. Nonetheless, it was still a compelling desire. I occasionally had vivid dreams of Tonya coming to me and seducing me.
During that time I sometimes still had the desire to look at porn or seek illicit sex, but not as often. I didn't have to battle those urges. Instead I was restrained by my understanding of the pain I’d caused Tonya.
For a while I told her that I was leaving it up to her to initiate physical contact so that she could wait until she was ready. I convinced myself that I was doing that to avoid putting pressure on her or putting her in an uncomfortable situation. However, as time went on and I got real with myself, I could see that I was doing that as a cop out, almost a punishment. I needed to keep reaching out.
I went back to expressing physical affection, but gently. I’d give her a hug or rub her feet. Eventually, she thanked me for that. She said, “Even when I’ve been a cold fish, you kept letting me know you wanted things to be better.” She admitted then that she had been afraid of responding too soon to my efforts. She hadn’t wanted to “let me off the hook,” let me think that what I’d done wasn’t a big deal. She hadn’t wanted to give the impression that she wasn’t upset and hurt. I knew that she had been holding back, so that wasn't news to me, but it felt good to hear her acknowledge that she wasn’t coming my direction, and to understand why.
From then on we focused mainly on other areas of life, not my sexual problem. It hardly ever comes up anymore.
When Tonya had shoulder surgery, it was a good chance for me to be there waiting on her. I did the big weekly dinner for our kids and grandkids on Sunday—cut up potatoes and put the roast in the Crock-pot. My daughters brought a salad and dessert. For three or four days I stayed home from work and looked after her while she rested in bed. I’d wash her wound, put ointment on it, and cover it with fresh bandaging. Twice a day I was her nurse like that. She was so appreciative and felt bad that I had to take the time away from work. I didn’t feel bad at all—it was bonding for us to have that experience together.
Now it’s been five years. We’re always cuddling, touching. We talk in bed at night. We leave the TV off and take time to just hold each other. We seek out each other before either of us leaves or when we get back to the house. We’re not really home until we’ve touched base with each other. I didn’t realize what a big deal those moments had become until I came home one afternoon and couldn’t find her. She usually leaves a note, but this time she hadn’t expected me to get back before she did. A couple of her friends in the neighborhood had come over and talked her into going on a walk with them. I tell you, I was walking around that house like a lost puppy. I was so glad when she got home and I could see her, give her a hug, and check in about the day. That’s just the way we are now.
Last year we took a trip to the Montana and stayed in a cabin on a remote lake. After we got back from that getaway Tonya said that it was the happiest she can remember ever feeling. We were in the moment, enjoying each other. There were no pressures: cell phones didn’t work, we didn’t have email. We were nestled in this huge old-growth forest. We took long walks on the shore of the lake, holding hands. Our relationship, our intimacy, our communication, our concern for each other—everything’s been growing very well. We pulled our chairs up to the picture window looking out over the lake and held hands while I read a book and she worked on Sudoku puzzles.
Sexual temptation doesn’t have much impact on me. That’s been one of the biggest changes. I had little sense before of the impact my behavior had on her. I had convinced myself that it was only affecting me. Before this process I didn’t realize the pain and impact it created for Tonya. I honestly believed in the early stages that she didn’t care that much. Particularly with the masturbation and pornography: I had convinced myself that it was a personal thing that didn’t hurt anyone else.
We had a very good relationship when we were dating and courting and during the first part of our marriage, but it has new depth now. I don’t think I understood her the way I do now. As horrible as my behavior was, something good has come from it. Working through it has strengthened us and helps us get closer emotionally. Maybe that’s the way it is—whenever someone’s with you through experiences like that, you get closer. My love and appreciation is greater now because she’s been there for me in my hardship. And now she’s grateful because I’m there for her—really there for her—in her struggles. She deserves to feel that way. We plan to renew our commitment to each other in a couple of years, once my disciplinary process with our church is complete. It will be a nice chance to renew. I hope that it might solidify her confidence that I will be her for her and with her forever. I so want her to have that assurance. It’s so different now, so much better. It makes me excited about the future.
I don’t feel much of a pull back to the addiction. The strengthening of our relationship is probably the reason I don’t feel any need to seek validation or intimacy anywhere else. We don’t have sex as much as I’d like, partly due to Tonya's health issues, but I’m fine with that because the emotional connection is so close. We are the best of friends. We enjoy spending time together. She keeps talking about our vacation in Montana, saying it was the best vacation we’ve ever had. We’ve backpacked in New Zealand, sailed in the Caribbean, and been to some other exotic places. This one was different because we were close and open with each other. I enjoyed it as much as she did. The connection between us has expanded, and that, in turn, has totally deflated, totally taken away any pressure to go back to porn. It’s been months since I’ve felt a strong tug in that direction.
For a while I was mystified by the loss of that appetite, and in fact at times almost frightened by the lack of urge. I wondered if perhaps I had a new medical problem. I’d never been there before. Throughout my life, as far back as I can remember, I had that compulsive drive. We discovered over time that the erotic side to our relationship didn't dwindle, it can come back in full force, which was a relief. However, my own sexual urges don't feel imperative to me anymore, they're not obligatory. It feels so liberating to not have my life dominated by sexual thoughts and compulsions!
